Cake is represented in the asexual community, along with garlic bread, as something that is potentially better than sex. Agreed. Cake represents so much more for me, because of the different layers of complex deliciousness. Garlic bread is awesome, don’t get me wrong, I just have an intolerance to garlic, so I’d rather have cake. Dragons are also a mascot for Asexuality, however this is all about me and cake.

Everyone has their own cake; their own flavors, textures, frosting preferences, layering, fillings… and on and on. My cake is created based on me. Individualized for my liking. There might be others with similar cakes, but everyone’s cake represents their unique self. Also, and this is important to understand, cakes are fluid. Simply put, the cake can alter and change at any time. Today might be a butter cream with chocolate mousse filling and tomorrow might be cheese cake with cherry compote. I am going to reiterate, because it is important, cake not only represents what I would rather be having, but it is a metaphor for the different layers of my unique self.

My recipe is constantly evolving, and the more I learn about the asexual spectrum, the clearer my ingredients get. My base layer represents my personality, myself, and doesn’t alter or change too much. Vanilla bean, a flavor so simple but not easy to get just right. While the cake is mild, there are bits of vanilla bean increasing the flavor. Like me, vanilla looks plain, but after biting into it, it is realized there is so much more to this cake. Vanilla bean, represents ambivert, needing calmness but really wanting to stand out among the rest. The idea of vanilla bean is that it looks bland, but the flavor is a lot stronger and more resilient; it compliments the other flavors and textures around it. Vanilla bean has passion, love and trust that is usually not reciprocated or respected. Given the option, vanilla bean is not usually a first choice and would be handed off if a better flavor came alone. As depressing as that sounds, and it does hurt, I picked this flavor because I love it, and I believe in it and that is all that matters.

My next layer would be a marbling, a more complex layer of ingredients that alter and shift as I actualize in who I am. Even in realizing who I have always been and having compassion and forgiveness for myself. This layer is complex because my identity of self is complex. The more aware I became, the more I realize there are so many different elements in this layer. Acceptance of this layer was hard, and I am still not fully accepting of it. Just a few year ago, I would have tried anything to have some basic monotone bland flavored cake to just to be “normal.” Although, now, I find this layer utterly delicious and exciting. Each bite is new and enlightening. There are so many dimensions for me of being asexual and hetroromantic. There are elements of demi mixed with alterous mixed with gray aro/ace… and the list expands as my awareness and understanding of the A-spectrum grows.

I am a two layered cake kind of girl. I think two are enough, for now; too many can be overwhelming, and then it’s not enjoyable. I want to be enjoyable. Layers of a cake are not limited by their spongy goodness, I have frosting and filling that add flavor, hold me together and are my first impressions. My filling is a cherry compote (I really like cherry compote with cake of whatever kind). Cherry represents the cliché virgin experience, the first time, never before, brand new, the awakening. While I was born this way, asexuality and my romantic identity are still new to me. I am still finding language that advocates for me.

Frosting is tricky. I need my frosting, or outer layer, to be perfect. Of course I know that perfect is the one thing a perfectionist cannot never achieve. I have accepted that my frosting can be perfectly imperfect. The textures can be a little uneven, rough and inconsistent. Sometimes my topping is fondant, smooth and calm. Sometimes my toping is buttercream, strong and bold. Sometimes my topping is frosting out of a prepackaged container that requires a few layers to hide all the specs of cake that get pulled up and are exposed. Then there are the decorations. Sometimes, the decorations are just right and look great, other times the decorations are mismatched, falling off or there are no decorations at all. It all depends on the day, mood and weather. No matter the variation of frosting and decorations, I like to keep things simple in representing myself, for now, as an asexual hetroromantic.

So, cake. I would rather have a good slice of cake with someone I care about then have sex. I have said it before, I am sex positive. Sex is fine, there is nothing wrong with sex. I would just rather have cake.