Crossing the threshold into 2021, I have been feeling cynical. Trying to work through the beautiful traumas that 2020 handed out. I am angry, hurt and disappointed. My life was altered without my approval. Learning to accept, adapt and move on to this new version of me is a work in progress. As 2020 rounded the corner into its final stages, I could feel my passion and hope for… well, anything and everything slowly fade away. I wanted to find a cave, crawl inside and hide (I still do). I have been searching for a topic to write about but so many posts led to upset and delete. Then, as I was searching for a mouse pad (of all things) with a specific theme (asexual pride), I found something that expresses how I want to enter into this New Year…
Let’s talk about me and my sexual identity.
The asexual spectrum is a vast, fluid landscape with too many variables to mention. However, my personal spectrum, while also fluid, has less variables. Some ace-spec individuals are sex-repulsed, but I am not. I do not mind talking about sex, watching sexy times unfold in a movie, TV show or book, and thoughts of sex do not bother me. However, with a sexual partner, it can get warm, but when the warm gets hot, I get cold.
Growing up, I imagined spending my life with someone I loved. I was going to get married and live happily ever after with them. The wrench in the action plan was that, thanks to a multitude of influences, the idea of a healthy relationship is healthy amounts of sex. Who is defining the healthy? Asexuals amount to about 1% of the population, and hetroromantic asexuals even less I’m sure, so I am a lone fish in a big sexualized sea.
I remember my fist (real) boyfriend. The art of the chase was the best part, as it is for most romantic individuals. I liked him and he liked me. Then he asked me out, we went on a date, and everything got awkward and uncomfortable. We were 13 years old, but at 13 my intuition was trying to guide me. I ignored it because I did not understand it. There was something different and wrong with me, but I hid it and struggled through it. I kept the confusion to myself, mostly because when I did say something I was handed comments such as, “you have to keep trying, practice will make it better.” and “He’s not the right guy for you, you’ll find him.”
This was more or less the blueprint of how romantic relationships were going to go and the struggles I would have. And folks, it is unfair to be so conflicted about wanting the simplest things… romance, love and a partnership, and not being able to fully access it. It is like asking for cake without the icing or pizza without the crust. It is not supported even though it is still obtainable. This is the biggest misconception life has sold us. Cake is still cake without icing and pizza is pizza if you call it pizza.
I fall on my asexual spectrum with a need for a romantic partner, without sex. I am an ambivert who hates being alone. Yet, hello 2021 and welcome to Isolationville. The pandemic bus picked me up, and dropped me here without my permission. Now, I am facing a fork in the road where I can either embrace or reject who I am, as well as where I am. I really want to reject it all, but suffering is a worn out old shoe that I want to let go of. I want to embrace the black, gray, white and purple this year. I may never find a romantic life partner, but I have supportive family and friends. I want to continue looking for community and acceptance, even now here in Isolationville. So, 2021 is a New Year and finding ME is the new focus.