Cake is represented in the asexual community, along with garlic bread, as something that is potentially better than sex. Agreed. Cake represents so much more for me, because of the different layers of complex deliciousness. Garlic bread is awesome, don’t get me wrong, I just have an intolerance to garlic, so I’d rather have cake. Dragons are also a mascot for Asexuality, however this is all about me and cake.

Everyone has their own cake; their own flavors, textures, frosting preferences, layering, fillings… and on and on. My cake is created based on me. Individualized for my liking. There might be others with similar cakes, but everyone’s cake represents their unique self. Also, and this is important to understand, cakes are fluid. Simply put, the cake can alter and change at any time. Today might be a butter cream with chocolate mousse filling and tomorrow might be cheese cake with cherry compote. I am going to reiterate, because it is important, cake not only represents what I would rather be having, but it is a metaphor for the different layers of my unique self.

My recipe is constantly evolving, and the more I learn about the asexual spectrum, the clearer my ingredients get. My base layer represents my personality, myself, and doesn’t alter or change too much. Vanilla bean, a flavor so simple but not easy to get just right. While the cake is mild, there are bits of vanilla bean increasing the flavor. Like me, vanilla looks plain, but after biting into it, it is realized there is so much more to this cake. Vanilla bean, represents ambivert, needing calmness but really wanting to stand out among the rest. The idea of vanilla bean is that it looks bland, but the flavor is a lot stronger and more resilient; it compliments the other flavors and textures around it. Vanilla bean has passion, love and trust that is usually not reciprocated or respected. Given the option, vanilla bean is not usually a first choice and would be handed off if a better flavor came alone. As depressing as that sounds, and it does hurt, I picked this flavor because I love it, and I believe in it and that is all that matters.

My next layer would be a marbling, a more complex layer of ingredients that alter and shift as I actualize in who I am. Even in realizing who I have always been and having compassion and forgiveness for myself. This layer is complex because my identity of self is complex. The more aware I became, the more I realize there are so many different elements in this layer. Acceptance of this layer was hard, and I am still not fully accepting of it. Just a few year ago, I would have tried anything to have some basic monotone bland flavored cake to just to be “normal.” Although, now, I find this layer utterly delicious and exciting. Each bite is new and enlightening. There are so many dimensions for me of being asexual and hetroromantic. There are elements of demi mixed with alterous mixed with gray aro/ace… and the list expands as my awareness and understanding of the A-spectrum grows.

I am a two layered cake kind of girl. I think two are enough, for now; too many can be overwhelming, and then it’s not enjoyable. I want to be enjoyable. Layers of a cake are not limited by their spongy goodness, I have frosting and filling that add flavor, hold me together and are my first impressions. My filling is a cherry compote (I really like cherry compote with cake of whatever kind). Cherry represents the cliché virgin experience, the first time, never before, brand new, the awakening. While I was born this way, asexuality and my romantic identity are still new to me. I am still finding language that advocates for me.

Frosting is tricky. I need my frosting, or outer layer, to be perfect. Of course I know that perfect is the one thing a perfectionist cannot never achieve. I have accepted that my frosting can be perfectly imperfect. The textures can be a little uneven, rough and inconsistent. Sometimes my topping is fondant, smooth and calm. Sometimes my toping is buttercream, strong and bold. Sometimes my topping is frosting out of a prepackaged container that requires a few layers to hide all the specs of cake that get pulled up and are exposed. Then there are the decorations. Sometimes, the decorations are just right and look great, other times the decorations are mismatched, falling off or there are no decorations at all. It all depends on the day, mood and weather. No matter the variation of frosting and decorations, I like to keep things simple in representing myself, for now, as an asexual hetroromantic.

So, cake. I would rather have a good slice of cake with someone I care about then have sex. I have said it before, I am sex positive. Sex is fine, there is nothing wrong with sex. I would just rather have cake.  


Ode to Mrs. Faucheax 1938 – 2021

I look up into the night sky and see you there, watching over me
Continuing to love me, as you always have, without judgment
Miles apart, my heart ached always to see you again
Hear your voice, smell your smell that reminded me of home
You were born to rise up against all odds, defeat the monarchy of society
Delivered into a world of pain and disappointment, it seemed so
Orphaned, you always gave grace for why it happened
Presenting strong yet gentle, you needed control of your world
Forgiveness and understanding were your superpowers

I look into the night sky and I see you there, watching over your family
Family you created, brought in, raised and loved without condition
I walked into your home for the first time, it was that moment
I felt your love for me, a stranger, your child’s friend from school
Not a heartbeat of judgment, that I had always felt from others
Your love hugged my heart, soothed my soul; I sat next to you and felt it
Warm, inviting, safe… there is where I wanted to stay, sitting next to you
Your words “come here darlin’ ” when things hurt, you just knew
Compassion and unconditional love, were your superpowers 

I look up into the night sky and I see a phoenix rising from the ashes
Your body defied you, you never gave into the struggles or the pain
Life handed cruelty, heartaches and disappointment, you stood up
Your beliefs, dedication, love for everyone especially Him empowered you
When the world seemed too heavy, you took stance and held your ground
Pain raged through every part of you, you never complained, you always
Admiring you and feeling proud to have been chosen to be your daughter
Remembering words you’d say, bring me home to you, sitting next to you
Strength and perseverance, were your superpowers.

I look up into the night sky and I see a hero, my hero, my mom, the angel who wrapped her wings around whoever was there. The angel who always smiled when I walked into the room. The angel that gave me forgiveness and understanding.  The angel that showed me the power of compassion and how unconditional love spans the universe; no matter where I am, I can feel her love. The angel that showed me never to give up because standing up, no matter how much it hurts, will always be worth it. Showing me that having strength gets you moving and perseverance gets you there. The angel that empowered me as a woman. The angel that always had my hand, letting me know everything will be all right. The angel that imprinted on my heart and soul with such passion I will never forget the first time I met you, or the last time I saw your love for me in your beautiful eyes. When I look into the night sky and see you smile, it will always bring me home to you.