The Wonderful World of Cats!
My brother, the wise and all knowing, has recently read a science report dealing with the whole cats are smarter than dogs topic. He soon realized its truth when he did his own studies – which I have to concur to be factual evidence of pussy cat behavior. If you are a cat owner you’ll realize his points, and understand totally. If you don’t own a cat then you are stupider than a dog, thus the cats will come for you first! “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer” a phrase here which states truth among the pussy cat kingdom because if you house them and feed them they are not as likely to hurt you – until you are close to death, or have already died. (My brother will explain this in his report that follows.) One must respect the pussy cat as the superior being and realize the pussy cat’s potential of harming and/or killing you. (dun, dun, dun)
Once again a warning: Reading this report may cause excess laughter and the wetting of one’s pants. Please, use the restroom before reading – or wear adult diapers to absorb any leakage.
The wonderful world of cats:
Not too long ago, I found myself reading an article called “Ask Dr. Science.” The article that I read was how cats, in many ways, are smarter than dogs, and they [cats] secretly hate us. I have done some of my own groundbreaking research, and found that this is true. Cats are indeed much smarter than their canine counterparts, and in fact hate us with as much loathing contempt usually reserved for Southern Baptist ministers.
Dogs are pretty stupid, with thoughts rarely going outside of “food for me?”, “dig the hole, dig the hole”, “I wonder if I can eat this?”, and my personal favorite, “Oh boy! look at the thing, it’s the thing!!” Each followed by a marathon of mind numbing barking.
Cats, unlike dogs, are never happy to see you. This is because they are too busy secretly hating you. They sometimes dream that they have grown to the size of a house, and are happily playing with you until you are dead. Want to see for yourself? First, watch your cat sleep. See how he/she twitches and tosses out a meow here and there? They are dreaming that they are batting you around like a ping-pong ball, and have found pure bliss in your dying agony. Now that kitty is happy in dreamland, wake them, and look at their expression, see the hateful look in their face? Now that’s an angry stare, ready for murder.
Early in life, young kittens will develop a taste for human flesh. Meow mix has cornered the cat food market with their new “Soilent delight” where the secret ingredient is people. This is good for the cat food companies as people are a plentiful source of the useless fats that cats crave. Senior citizens should have lots of cats. This wise investment will save the senior money in funeral and burial fees if they die at home. Bloodthirsty felines will always be happy to take care of any corpse, no matter how ugly that person might have been. Cats will also be happy to take care of those “almost dead” situations, and you don’t even have to pay them! They would not take your money anyway, because they secretly hate you, remember?
Cats like to turn you in for not paying your taxes, or build up crushing gambling debts by betting on horse races over the phone, while pretending that they are you. Because they hate you, cats have replaced all your vitamins with little “poops” and have taken all your calcium and thew it away, so your bones can be extra brittle when the bookie comes to “collect” the money you now owe him from gambling on all those horse races. Cats, unlike dogs love to watch you do all the work, and will often find that there is a good time to be had at your expense. They love to see your torment with the little “gift” they sometimes leave for you on the carpet.
Cats hate dogs, and they hate people too. We just don’t know about it because they are good actors, and sometimes get together for Shakespeare in the park, and drink latte.
Science has proven that cats are smarter than dogs, and are usually smarter than people too; but they are not smarter than the Japanese.
While putting together this post, my pussy cat has been watching closely. She has made sure that I notice her as she walked back and forth in front of the monitor and sat next to the mouse with the stare of hate. Although, I saved this pussy cat’s life in the past and feel that she owes me a little. I believe that once she decides to kill the others in the house, including her own twin brother, she may spare me. Although, one never knows what exactly is going through the mind of a cat…
I should also add that in the process of writing this post my two dogs have only proven themselves as the dumber species. Sammy had spilled ice cream all over a chair and what are dogs better for then cleaning up the “oops, I’ve spilled food” mess? Scott called the little dog over to vacuum up the spill, the dog heard his name and the command, “come here” he immediately freaked out and ran to his bed to hide. Our bigger dog was the next to be called over to clean up the spill, and she freaked out running in circles until Scott grabbed her and forced her face into the ice cream. She finally got the point and lapped it up – hearing this caused the little dog out of his bed and over to the bigger dog where he pushed her out of the way to lap some up for himself. A risk worth taking, I suppose, as the bigger dog could easily bite his head off, and has come close in the past. The little dog now sits at my feet licking the air vent… yep, there’s intelligence!
[most of this post if fictional fun - most...]
