Last Saturday (July 7th) Scott, Sammy and I were supposed to go to a BBQ at Mr. Naughty’s to watch the UFC. I went and picked up my Deaf student and his best friend to come and enjoy the bloody fights alongside us. My student really loves the UFC and he really enjoys being around Mr. Naughty Pants! Saturday morning Mr. Naughty Pants calls me and says the party has moved due to the number of people coming. He was concerned that his house was too small – I beg to differ. At the mention of the new location my nervousness jumped at least three levels! I cannot explain why I get so freaking nervous, I just do. I took a few deep breaths and just walked forward with my head held high and the words, “You can do this!” running over and over again in my head. The first person I saw was a teacher I had worked with two school years ago – and we never really talked or hung out. He had moved to Japan with the awesome opportunity to teach on a naval base there – well-structured teaching. I don’t blame him for wanting that – public school teachers are abused all the time by parents believing we are there to babysit their brats! I chatted with him for a while – listening to myself I wouldn’t blame him for wanting to run away! I didn’t babble or talk about stupid things – but it was apparent that I had nothing to say to him, as I grasped for anything! I was so excited to see Mr. Naughty Pants and family arrive – people I know!!! I would like to think that I get along pretty well with the Naughtys… I followed the Naughtys inside with my posse in tow. I feel like they (Scott and my student) depend on me to be the social ice breaker. They wait for me to start a conversation and stand next to me waiting to be pulled into it. I cannot complain, I do it too.

We went into the kitchen and I was talking to a few people I know, thinking, “This is not so bad.” A few new folks walked in, and feeling pretty confident about myself and the situation I introduced myself. I had, oddly enough, seen this one couple at the store just before arriving and used that to my advantage: “Hey, I just saw you at the store!” The guy’s eyes showed the same, “Hey yeah!” expression as mine and his wife smiled – probably not remembering the store incident. Then they were gone, outside to mingle with the homeowners and the Naughty family. Another couple walked in and I smiled and waited for the eye contact to introduce myself… it never came. I saw a little girl (well, Scott pointed her out to me) and I said to the lady, “Is that your little girl?” She didn’t answer. Okay, well maybe she didn’t hear me – that happens. A little louder, “Is that your little girl?” Still nothing. You would think she would have heard a voice and turn to see if she was the one being addressed – whatever. I waited for her to turn my way – I wasn’t about to give up now, I was on a roll! She finally turned toward me and I said, “How old is she?” no smile, no expression, “two and a half.” Well, it was a start! “I have a two and a half year old too!” I figured this was going to be perfect – we both have kids the same age, that’s a window of endless conversation. She said nothing. I was feeling really uncomfortable by this point, but didn’t give up yet. “Is she yours?” I asked yet again, I didn’t know for sure and didn’t want to assume. She looked at me as if I were crazy, “Yes.” I felt stupid and continued on, “I just wanted to make sure, I didn’t want to assume.” She walked away. Yeah, no brownie points there.

Now, I wanted to go home. Not only was the pretty skinny lady rude to me, but I was left all alone in the kitchen. My salvation to the awkwardness was Sammy who woke up – and I pretty much plowed Scott down trying to get to him first! The food was being served and I figured I could sit next to one of the Naughtys and chill out, try and relax and hang in there until the fights were over… They hadn’t started yet. I walked into the kitchen and I saw Mr. Naughty Pants sitting there, as I got closer to the table I realized two important things; 1) Mr. Naughty Pants was pissed off at his sons who were doing naughty things (it’s all in the name) and 2) everyone else had claimed all the other spots at the table… The pretty skinny lady was walking around me avoiding eye contact, and I felt utterly invisible. Now every inch of me was screaming to just leave and go home! I found my student and his buddy outside – they were dodging people all over the place looking for a quiet spot. Everyone had found refuge inside from the thunderstorm outside…where my student, his buddy, the Naughty nephew and now Scott, Sammy and I sat. When I get nervous and uncomfortable I cannot eat – some people overeat in this situation, but I cannot put food into my mouth. While everyone else ate I sat, trying to figure out what to do. I was sitting there thinking it was stupid that I came in the first place and that no one even realizes I was there and if they did they were probably saying stuff like, “Wow, she’s weird. What did she even come for?”

My self being was shrinking and I wanted nothing more than to rewind time and not show up. Then Mrs. Naughty Pants came out to announce the fights were starting. She took a moment out of what she had been doing to have a conversation with ME. I was trying not to sound like a moron – as I did with the ex-public schoolteacher and the pretty skinny lady. I headed inside to see the fight – figuring that’s where everyone would be. All the men were sitting on the giant couch, leaving no room for us latecomers. The homeowner (husband) said we could go in his garage and get ourselves a lawn chair. Not only was that uncomfortable, it was weird too. Normally the host would be like, “Oh, let me get you folks some seats!” I told him it was ok, we would just pull some of the dining room chairs over, and he was all, “Oh yeah! Okay.”

It was quickly apparent that all the females had congregated outside in a clear 1950′s statement that the fight was for the men, and the children-watching was the sport for the women. I was the only female watching the fights and if I didn’t feel out of place before, I really did now. I could not relax to save my life and ended up standing for most of the three hours the fights were on. Mr. Naughty Pants tried to make sure I was okay and tried to include me, but it was the crowd that ruled that idea out. Sam helped his mommy out the most! He was playing with Mr. Naughty Pants and climbing on the back of the giant couch to get to him – that good little fella of mine was forcing himself into the middle of their attention – Thanks Sam! Then the ex-public schoolteacher said something that said loud and clear, “I don’t enjoy you next to me, go away.” (not his exact words, but close enough) I understand that Sammy had a golf club and was trying to knock Mr. Naughty Pants out with it, but the ex-public schoolteacher could have played it up by helping little Sammy knock Mr. Naughty Pants out – now that sounds like fun! *wink* Sammy was all over the pretty skinny lady’s husband and he never freaked out, but had a good laugh at Sammy trying to get to Mr. Naughty Pants.

The time came that the fights were finally finished – and I enjoyed watching them, as uncomfortable as I was. My student really loved watching the fights and cannot wait until Mr. Naughty’s next BBQ! I had a little conversation with the homeowner (wife) at the end, and that was nice. It was finished and I was able to get outta there! I said “good-bye” to every one sitting in the living room, and the few voices I heard say, “Bye Vi,” were that of Mr. Naughty Pants (as his Mrs. had left already with their boys and the pretty skinny lady), the naughty nephew and the homeowner (wife). I just felt like they were like, “Yeah, go finally!”

I drove the two boys home and by the time I got back into town I was starving and stopped for some fast food (who’s naughty now?). I relaxed and ate and realized I probably should not put myself in that situation again. I will go to Mr. Naughty Pants’ for BBQ (or whatever) anytime they ask (or try to anyhow). I guess it might have been better at his house – I really don’t know. All I know is I am happy that evening is over. I hated being that invisible kid all through school and I still hate being the invisible person in life. Scott is totally comfortable with being the fly on the wall, no human contact whatsoever. I need contact with other adult human beings! A friend of mine once said, “I just don’t understand why you are not surrounded by good friends.” All I could say to that was, “Neither can I.” I try really hard to get people to hang out with and it seems impossible. I don’t want to be that annoying person either, always calling, always inviting myself over and imposing. I want to be someone they like, someone they want to invite over and chill with… I want to be a “cool girl.” I don’t know, maybe I am socially retarded – I like to think I am easy to talk to, easy to get along with, likeable. I don’t know what I need to do to improve whatever is wrong with me, because I don’t know what’s wrong. I hate to be alone! I hate doing anything alone! It is a weird twist of fate, ironic, how someone who hates to be alone always is.

I really enjoy the friends I have now and am always open to make new ones. I am really social; I just don’t understand why social events reject me. I try to push myself onto others – but when it is screaming clear that they want nothing to do with me, what else can I do? I have been feeling depressed lately thinking of this next school year, and how alone I will be there. It took me three years to find my place at the middle school! I have worked at the high school before and spent all my free time alone. Not by choice – there was no other choice. I just hope the friends I made last school year will continue being my friends…

BTW – If it weren’t for the Naughty Pants family, I would have had an awful time. It is because they befriended me that I did have an enjoyable time (even if the blog didn’t sound like it). If they are involved, I hate to say that I won’t come to the event – I enjoy them! So, Thanks!

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